so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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