i would punch a child for taco bell
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
