she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Do vagina's smell?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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