A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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