I just cut my nipple shaving
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
