I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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