Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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