Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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