We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
