I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
