i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
