Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
