Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
