It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Randomize
