I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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