Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
