youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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