census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
