Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
