my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
