Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
