I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
