was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
