Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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