I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
