no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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