There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
