I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
