we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
