I need to stop coming to work sober
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
