well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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