Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
