if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
