Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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