Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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