i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
