thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
