my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I think people are normalizing furries
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize