Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm too high and old for this...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
