You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
