he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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