Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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