life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
