toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
40s are totally the cure
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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