I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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