Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
