I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
