I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
