what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
