My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
