In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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