i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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