Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
