Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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