I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
a search helicopter?!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
