i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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