tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
