You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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